Why successful people talk to themselves

I want to talk about the importance of self-communication. There are a lot of buzzwords surrounding the skill of communication. It’s something that we all promote that we have when we apply for a new job or attempt to make new friends. It’s a skill that we could not survive in this universe without. Communication is as essential as breathing, but what is often forgotten about is self-communication.

It sounds complex but the reality is simple

To some extent, self-communication is talking to yourself as if you were another person. It is strange to think about, as society often rejects the notion of talking to yourself as something that mentally unwell people do. But in truth self-communication is the process of the subconscious mind talking to the conscious mind.

I want to bring this to your attention, as a young lawyer, because I think it’s so important to understand yourself. A lot of lawyers work late hours, deal with traumatic or confronting situations and find themselves walking the line between morality and the law. These compromising situations are quickly repressed and ignored in the mind, leading to later issues.

Suppressing the complicated feelings that arise from facing such issues is unhealthy and such repression can lead to ignoring your subconscious thoughts. This is where I will raise the concept of self-communication.

What I mean by this term, is to talk to yourself as if you were talking to another person. For example, if you find yourself not focusing on a task that you know must be done, rather than getting angry you would initiate the self talk.

The conversation would begin with an investigation into why you were not focusing. Are you craving nutrients, sleep, comfort, warmth or are you in pain? These five things may appear obvious, but many people who are under stress or skilled at ignoring their body’s cues can often miss these essential human needs.

Skipping a meal can be very bad for
your focus - and your stomach!

It’s not uncommon for me to lose focus only to realize I forgot a meal time or have goosebumps. This most commonly happens during the period before exams when there is lots of work to be done and little time to do it. Forcing yourself to ask the question may seem childish or irrelevant, but it is important to draw your attention to these five pillars.

It refers back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. For those who aren’t aware, Maslow is a philosopher who created a theory that humans cannot function unless they have certain requirements met first. The lowest tiers include basic necessities such as shelter, safety, food, sleep, and comfort. They are not privileges to be awarded once your work is done.

A stern reminder to all students and professionals, your job will never be complete. The longer that you withhold things from yourself that are required for your body and mind to function properly the worse your attention and focus will become. Often your mental health will suffer before your physical, and that is why critical indicators such as lack of interest or regression to unhealthy habits, like overeating, hair pulling or overwhelming negative thoughts must be paid attention to.

Negative self-talk is the most harmful consequence of failing to build your skill of self-communication. Those people who cannot understand their subconscious needs often find themselves lost in a mixture of confusion, negative habits, and low self-esteem. It is not an insignificant correlation that lack of self-communication results in poor habits and frustration.

If you do have low self-communication and you’re struggling to focus, I’d like to extend a challenge to you. In fact, even if you’re not facing an issue at work, but struggling to come to terms with a complex event in your life I’d like you to attempt my challenge.

Maybe treat yourself to a hot drink after
writing this letter, you deserve it!

My challenge is to write yourself a letter. Please don’t type it, use a physical piece of paper and pen.

The letter must have four components

a)    Tell yourself what’s going wrong

b)    Tell yourself why you have to do this task

c)    Explain to yourself what’s been happening in your day, week and month

d)    Answer the question; what would I rather be doing?

If, at any point during your letter you feel that you’re leaving the question or statement that I’ve asked you to write about don’t stop yourself. Often putting pen to paper is a calming physical motion that encourages you to feel safe due to the repetition of the movement. This calm can help you to feel safe and for any overriding emotional issues that you may not have dealt with to come to the surface. This is why I encourage you not to stop yourself from going on a tangent and writing about anything that your brain takes an interest in.

Sometimes it may be that you have watched or read something that was emotionally disturbing. I have been impacted by news articles or legal cases that were morally challenging, emotionally disturbing or similar to something that I have experienced in my own life. However as we all lead busy lives, it's hard to bring that disturbance to the surface, leaving it to fester and destroy your work ethic or mental clarity.

I hope the letter that you write to yourself becomes a useful tool that you re-use to develop stronger self-communication skills. Sometimes initially writing the letter won’t bring you an immediate understanding of what is going on. Don’t assume that this means nothing is wrong. Our bodies and minds are more intelligent than we give them credit for and often they tell us more than we know. If it so happens that you read your letter back after writing it and actually believe that there is nothing behind it, that is okay, but if there is something unusual about your behavior I’d recommend leaving it for an hour or so.

You can do it!

After the time, away from your letter re-read it and consider any reoccurring themes. Sometimes you may realize that there was an unusual focus on losing an item, having a bad day or wanting something. These simple circumstances can indicate many different things, usually though they will reflect back on Maslow's hierarchy of needs and suggest that you are missing one of the lower tier requirements. Missing one of these requirements does prevent you from focusing your brain and having a productive work session.



Good luck on building your self-communication skills and I hope you will all promote this challenge to your friends and please tag me on #theunderagelawyer if you found my task helpful.

Three simple ways to remove that 'me' mindset

Three simple ways to remove that 'me' mindset.

I had nothing to study!

Currently, I'm on break from school and university. It's a little strange for me – I have nothing I need to study or do. Being that I'm also away from home, working is impractical.

So it's weird.

What is weirder, however, is that I've become strangely attached to doing something. I've never been the person that wakes up at five in the morning to furiously type out a piece of work or send something to a professor. But there is a habit of mine to be constantly panicking.

During school there was always work I /could/ be doing and at university, there was work I should be doing and in the holidays. However I'm now in that awkward transitional phase where you could be doing work – but then it might not be that useful in the long run.

So what have I been doing? Essentially, fretting about doing nothing - and it made me wonder why I was so scared of falling behind. If I started university without doing any prep work would I spend three years of my life playing catch up?

The logical answer is most definitely not. I'm sure we all know – the brain doesn't listen to logic. I listed out things that could be causing me to feel so anxious.

I ended up with things like:

My professors will think I am lazy

I will have less time to spend with peers

I may not be as competitive in class

I found that each of my worries occurred when I compared myself to other people. In the competitive business environment these incessant comparisons are bound to happen, but why is it that they occur even when there are no comparisons to be made?

As of now I have not met my cohort, my professors or my future employers – yet I panic as if they can already see my test scores. This realization led me to try three techniques for removing that over-competitive nature – which I thought I should share;

1. Compliment your biggest competitors

Handwritten notes can go a long way

Nice comments make people (yourself included) feel better about themselves. So by praising the people that you feel you have to compete with you take away from that 'me' mentality and begin to view your competitors as part of a team. The team you're a part of is one that is working towards self-improvement and if you all have a selfish ideal it's not going to work. Instead, make sure that you occasionally stop and check in with your rivals to ensure they're still on track too.

Often when we're working towards a goal, we become so wrapped up in the idea of achievement and 'winning' that we lose sight of those around us. I'm sure we're all guilty of becoming so lost in our needs that we offend a friend or acquaintance. So to short circuit that tendency to become wrapped up in your thoughts and needs you need to compliment someone that you feel you have to beat.

Don't make it an arbitrary compliment either. What we often miss is that those we feel most competitive with are those that we admire. Before you speak with them, think about why you feel the need to compete with them.

Is it because they have incredible determination, their organization skills far outshine yours or that they can retain composure throughout the biggest of crises?

2. Identify what you feel your biggest weakness is and work on it

I say what /you/ feel your greatest weakness is because sometimes your weakness is not what others perceive it as being but it still causes you great insecurity.

This in the grays inn library stairs (which I tried to get
in...unfortunately you need membership, whoops!)

For example, you may feel that you need to improve your vocabulary, but others think you are very well read. Does that mean that you shouldn't improve your vocabulary?

Short answer; no.

If you honestly feel uncomfortable with your skill level, it can amplify your reactions to situations. Personally, during the time that I have had no looming deadlines I've worked on developing my arithmetic abilities.

You would assume after studying commercial law I'd feel confident in my abilities to calculate costs and percentages, yet I still perceive it as my biggest weakness. Websites like kahnacademy.org have been invaluable in helping me to consolidate my skills.

Kahn academy is a free site that provides video tutorials and games for any individual wishing to increase their skills in a broad array of subjects such as Math, Science, Grammar or History. If you're hoping to increase your knowledge or consolidate skills in an academic area, this is an invaluable tool for you to have at your side.

3. Find somewhere to enjoy yourself

Hipster cafes are the best places to relax

Whether you're like me in that awkward no-work transitional phase, or you're working full time finding your happy place is the most important technique you could employ. Overseas I've been enjoying exploring the city and finding unique cafes to study in.

So far I've discovered that the usual chain restaurants such as EAT. Pret a Manger or Starbucks aren't always the best places to study The well-known name and standard menu can be comforting when far from home – but the amount of people trawling in and out of the store is just distracting.

Instead, look for cafes that are one-off, independent shops. The stores I enjoy play music at a low volume and have decent non-fluorescent lighting.

Those who have read my earlier blog posts will know that I have a strange love of hipster cafes – and I make no apologies – I still do. In larger cities such as London and Singapore, they are harder to find. But an hour or so searching Google can lead you to some great finds.

maybe skip the park on days like this...

If coffee shops aren't your thing you can, also try a park. Parks are fantastic opportunities for getting some vitamin D and doing a little bit of light reading. Currently, I'm reading Is it just me? By comedian Miranda Hart. It's a refreshingly honest novel full of hilarious stories and written in a unique conversational form between the author and the reader. Miranda occasionally will converse with her eighteen-year-old self as she explains not only what her life is like now but how she has slowly come to accept herself as she is.

If you're not one for peace and quiet, I can wholeheartedly recommend checking out a few local volunteer spots. If you volunteer at a festival, pet shelter or kitchen can contribute to lifting your spirits and help you to realign your goals with something more community orientated. - Lawyers may be interested in volunteering with their legal skills at a legal service. Pro bono work can be extremely rewarding and for young lawyers, it can also provide an opportunity to extend your knowledge base and add to your resume.

Although these ideas don't override a competitive nature, entirely they still help to keep things in balance. An overly competitive person can be damaging to their studies and those around them. While a little competition can increase productivity and satisfaction too much will leave you feeling run down and exhausted.

Always remember to find some time to relax when you feel like you've taken on more than you can handle.

Lulu Hensman

Don't let anxious thoughts ruin your exam!

So time’s almost up for a lot of my readers who are preparing for exams. I know a lot of you have been working super hard. So I thought it would be a good idea to run through some ways that you can calm yourself down in the last twenty minutes or so before your exam.

Remember that you can do as many or as few of these activities as you like –But do not revise! Nothing in the last twenty minutes that you learn from speed reading and with a panicked mind will help you on your exam. You’ve prepared and now you need to control those exam nerves with one or more of the following.

a)      Have something to eat

We all know about bringing a snack for during the exam, but studies have found certain types of foods and beverages can help to reduce stress so bring some of these along for before the exam.

1.       Something crunchy

Studies have found that crunchy food helps to alleviate stress levels. The night before your exam pack some fresh pieces of carrot and celery. This healthy crunch will relieve your anxiety and give you the calm needed to head into the exam room.

2.        A hint of citrus

An orange or other citrus fruit has been found by many researchers to help in the reduction of stress. It’s always best to prepare the night before, so cut up some pieces of orange and pop them away in the fridge for the morning. Just don’t forget to write yourself a note about it so you don’t forget.

3.       A warm brew

Tea or similar warm drink has been found to have a calming effect. Psychologists suggest that it is because it is similar to the warming comfort received in a hug or affectionate gesture. I wouldn’t recommended a highly caffeinated drink – but some peppermint tea or raspberry tea are wonderful treats before the exam.

4.       A little bit of sweetness

Sweet things do help to lift our spirits. While they should only be taken in moderation (and please don’t risk a sugar crash) some honey in your tea or a muesli bar with chocolate drizzle would be the perfect pick me up and motivating snack to nibble on while you relax and mentally prepare.

A lemon and honey drink may be the perfect way to combine these three options. Simply mix a table spoon of honey and half a tablespoon of lemon in with some warm or hot water and adjust to taste.

5.       Chew some gum

Lots of people get nervous stomachs before an exam and feel like they can’t eat. This is a perfectly  normal reaction that is a consequence of your fight or flight response. This response happens when your brain perceives that there is danger.

Before your exam your body is likely to perceive your fear of the exam as a psychological danger or a ‘stressor’. Neurotransmitters are sent through the neurones in your brain to warn your autonomic nervous system. These electrical messengers activate the sympathetic nervous system which proceeds to prepare the body to fight, flight or freeze.

– Freeze is a third response experienced by victims of abuse where they feel as if they are having an out of body experience and struggle to interact with their environment.

The sympathetic nervous system will stop digestive processes in order to divert energy to other parts of the body. When you chew gum this alerts the brain to the fact that you cannot be in danger because you are eating. The fight or flight response will generally begin to dissipate after a few minutes.

b)      Creative relaxation

Don’t just rely on food to calm your nerves. Try sipping on some lemon and honey while you do some of these innovative relaxation techniques

1.       Colour in a mandala

A mandala is a specific type of drawing that you can get off a google image search that aims to help you focus and relax. They are used by those who practice mediation and mindfulness. Doing one of these before the exam can help you to take control over your anxious thoughts.

2.       Draw something

Using a scrap piece of paper allow yourself the opportunity to relax and rest your mind. No one has to view or grade this artwork so draw what ever your please. But once again, do not relate it back to your exam work. Your brain needs to feel rested when you get into the exam room not stressed and tired.

3.       Visualize what you’ll do after the exam

Avoiding the actualities of what might be on the exam, allow your mind to wander to what will happen after. Since you’ve clearly been working hard try to arrange for a reward that makes you feel excited.

For example you might promise yourself that after the exam you will walk into town and purchase a hot chocolate. Or your might think about watching a movie or reading the next chapter of your novel. Try to make it something that you look forward to and you know will raise your spirits.

4.       Listen to music

Music can inspire and encourage you to continue your hard work. It can remind you of your goals and aspirations.

It’s personal choice whether you choose to listen to classical, rap, jazz or pop, there is no definitive research to suggest that there is any one significant benefit over the other.

5.       What a youtube video

A small slice of humour is neatly fitted into youtube videos, often lasting around three minutes, these can be the best way to distract yourself from your anxious thoughts. Maybe watch the video with a friend and benefit from their company as well.

There’s no research into youtube videos and calming thoughts but from personal experience I can promise that a video before your exam can help you to feel truly rested and ready to plunge into exam questions.

6.       Play with blue tack or putty

Blue tack is a great distraction object. You can pull it, twist it, squeeze it or throw it. For those who, like me, tend to bite their nails when they’re anxious this can be a great way to save your nails. It’s also a very subtle means of helping yourself to calm your nerves as you can hold a small amount in your hands and still interact normally with those around you.

c)       Get moving!

Sometimes our energy before the exam means that we get jittery and anxious. These techniques are designed to help you work that energy out. You don’t want to be exhausted before an exam but you should feel able to sit calmly.

1.       Go for a stroll

Walking beneath trees or some light to moderate exercise has been proven to benefit productivity and improve your focus. Get up and walk up and down the stairs or just around your exam area. The little bit of movement can go along way in getting you exam ready.

2.       Stretch

Before an exam try to stretch out your neck and back. These are probably already a little sore from the amount of time that you have been spending studying at your desk. Stretch your neck and back slowly being mindful of any injury. If you ever feel too much pain stop immediately.

3.       Shake your hands

This is a part of a stress management process knowing as shaking. The concept is that by shaking hands or other parts of your body you are helping your body to reduce tension and remove stress hormones from the body.

4.       Freshen up

A quick trip to the bathroom and some water splashed on your face can help you to feel prepared and focused. While freshening up just check that you have completed the following;

• Have you had a glass of water?
• Have you checked in with a friend?
• Have you checked you have pens?
• Have you checked your stationary is working?
• Have you checked where your exam is located?
• Do you know where you will be sitting?
• Do you know which bathroom is the closest to your exam room?

d)      It’s okay

Before an exam take the time to check that your thoughts are the right ones. Don’t be negative about yourself, be open minded and understand that it’s okay if you messed up during your study prep.

Those few minutes before the exam are examples of a true mental challenge. The trick is to be forgiving of yourself and to be proud of what you have achieved. Just by making it to the exam stage you’ve had to battle through weeks of classes, assignments, late nights and lectures. So good job you!

e)      Have a break

You might not have much time, but there’s still plenty of opportunities to help yourself to feel rested and ready for the exam ahead.

1.       Lay your head down

Simply resting your eyes can be enough to help you relax into a mindstate that is focused and ready to provide the information that you need. Remember an anxious mind is often so wound up that you will lose a good deal of time worrying during the exam about unnecessary things and make silly mistakes.

2.       Count from ten and back again

A common breathing technique is to breathe in slowly for ten seconds and then breathe out for ten seconds. This process of monitoring your breathing is a simple technique that can help to center yourself and calm your nerves.

3.       Sit by yourself for a bit

Sometimes socialising with others will make things worse than they already are. There’s no shame in needing to remove yourself from your group of friends in order to calm down and work through how you’re feeling. You can talk to them all you like after the exam!

Good luck with your exams and remember to be proud of what you have achieved,

The Underage Lawyer

PS: If you have any pre-exam tips feel free to comment below J