Why successful people talk to themselves

I want to talk about the importance of self-communication. There are a lot of buzzwords surrounding the skill of communication. It’s something that we all promote that we have when we apply for a new job or attempt to make new friends. It’s a skill that we could not survive in this universe without. Communication is as essential as breathing, but what is often forgotten about is self-communication.

It sounds complex but the reality is simple

To some extent, self-communication is talking to yourself as if you were another person. It is strange to think about, as society often rejects the notion of talking to yourself as something that mentally unwell people do. But in truth self-communication is the process of the subconscious mind talking to the conscious mind.

I want to bring this to your attention, as a young lawyer, because I think it’s so important to understand yourself. A lot of lawyers work late hours, deal with traumatic or confronting situations and find themselves walking the line between morality and the law. These compromising situations are quickly repressed and ignored in the mind, leading to later issues.

Suppressing the complicated feelings that arise from facing such issues is unhealthy and such repression can lead to ignoring your subconscious thoughts. This is where I will raise the concept of self-communication.

What I mean by this term, is to talk to yourself as if you were talking to another person. For example, if you find yourself not focusing on a task that you know must be done, rather than getting angry you would initiate the self talk.

The conversation would begin with an investigation into why you were not focusing. Are you craving nutrients, sleep, comfort, warmth or are you in pain? These five things may appear obvious, but many people who are under stress or skilled at ignoring their body’s cues can often miss these essential human needs.

Skipping a meal can be very bad for
your focus - and your stomach!

It’s not uncommon for me to lose focus only to realize I forgot a meal time or have goosebumps. This most commonly happens during the period before exams when there is lots of work to be done and little time to do it. Forcing yourself to ask the question may seem childish or irrelevant, but it is important to draw your attention to these five pillars.

It refers back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. For those who aren’t aware, Maslow is a philosopher who created a theory that humans cannot function unless they have certain requirements met first. The lowest tiers include basic necessities such as shelter, safety, food, sleep, and comfort. They are not privileges to be awarded once your work is done.

A stern reminder to all students and professionals, your job will never be complete. The longer that you withhold things from yourself that are required for your body and mind to function properly the worse your attention and focus will become. Often your mental health will suffer before your physical, and that is why critical indicators such as lack of interest or regression to unhealthy habits, like overeating, hair pulling or overwhelming negative thoughts must be paid attention to.

Negative self-talk is the most harmful consequence of failing to build your skill of self-communication. Those people who cannot understand their subconscious needs often find themselves lost in a mixture of confusion, negative habits, and low self-esteem. It is not an insignificant correlation that lack of self-communication results in poor habits and frustration.

If you do have low self-communication and you’re struggling to focus, I’d like to extend a challenge to you. In fact, even if you’re not facing an issue at work, but struggling to come to terms with a complex event in your life I’d like you to attempt my challenge.

Maybe treat yourself to a hot drink after
writing this letter, you deserve it!

My challenge is to write yourself a letter. Please don’t type it, use a physical piece of paper and pen.

The letter must have four components

a)    Tell yourself what’s going wrong

b)    Tell yourself why you have to do this task

c)    Explain to yourself what’s been happening in your day, week and month

d)    Answer the question; what would I rather be doing?

If, at any point during your letter you feel that you’re leaving the question or statement that I’ve asked you to write about don’t stop yourself. Often putting pen to paper is a calming physical motion that encourages you to feel safe due to the repetition of the movement. This calm can help you to feel safe and for any overriding emotional issues that you may not have dealt with to come to the surface. This is why I encourage you not to stop yourself from going on a tangent and writing about anything that your brain takes an interest in.

Sometimes it may be that you have watched or read something that was emotionally disturbing. I have been impacted by news articles or legal cases that were morally challenging, emotionally disturbing or similar to something that I have experienced in my own life. However as we all lead busy lives, it's hard to bring that disturbance to the surface, leaving it to fester and destroy your work ethic or mental clarity.

I hope the letter that you write to yourself becomes a useful tool that you re-use to develop stronger self-communication skills. Sometimes initially writing the letter won’t bring you an immediate understanding of what is going on. Don’t assume that this means nothing is wrong. Our bodies and minds are more intelligent than we give them credit for and often they tell us more than we know. If it so happens that you read your letter back after writing it and actually believe that there is nothing behind it, that is okay, but if there is something unusual about your behavior I’d recommend leaving it for an hour or so.

You can do it!

After the time, away from your letter re-read it and consider any reoccurring themes. Sometimes you may realize that there was an unusual focus on losing an item, having a bad day or wanting something. These simple circumstances can indicate many different things, usually though they will reflect back on Maslow's hierarchy of needs and suggest that you are missing one of the lower tier requirements. Missing one of these requirements does prevent you from focusing your brain and having a productive work session.



Good luck on building your self-communication skills and I hope you will all promote this challenge to your friends and please tag me on #theunderagelawyer if you found my task helpful.

Three simple ways to remove that 'me' mindset

Three simple ways to remove that 'me' mindset.

I had nothing to study!

Currently, I'm on break from school and university. It's a little strange for me – I have nothing I need to study or do. Being that I'm also away from home, working is impractical.

So it's weird.

What is weirder, however, is that I've become strangely attached to doing something. I've never been the person that wakes up at five in the morning to furiously type out a piece of work or send something to a professor. But there is a habit of mine to be constantly panicking.

During school there was always work I /could/ be doing and at university, there was work I should be doing and in the holidays. However I'm now in that awkward transitional phase where you could be doing work – but then it might not be that useful in the long run.

So what have I been doing? Essentially, fretting about doing nothing - and it made me wonder why I was so scared of falling behind. If I started university without doing any prep work would I spend three years of my life playing catch up?

The logical answer is most definitely not. I'm sure we all know – the brain doesn't listen to logic. I listed out things that could be causing me to feel so anxious.

I ended up with things like:

My professors will think I am lazy

I will have less time to spend with peers

I may not be as competitive in class

I found that each of my worries occurred when I compared myself to other people. In the competitive business environment these incessant comparisons are bound to happen, but why is it that they occur even when there are no comparisons to be made?

As of now I have not met my cohort, my professors or my future employers – yet I panic as if they can already see my test scores. This realization led me to try three techniques for removing that over-competitive nature – which I thought I should share;

1. Compliment your biggest competitors

Handwritten notes can go a long way

Nice comments make people (yourself included) feel better about themselves. So by praising the people that you feel you have to compete with you take away from that 'me' mentality and begin to view your competitors as part of a team. The team you're a part of is one that is working towards self-improvement and if you all have a selfish ideal it's not going to work. Instead, make sure that you occasionally stop and check in with your rivals to ensure they're still on track too.

Often when we're working towards a goal, we become so wrapped up in the idea of achievement and 'winning' that we lose sight of those around us. I'm sure we're all guilty of becoming so lost in our needs that we offend a friend or acquaintance. So to short circuit that tendency to become wrapped up in your thoughts and needs you need to compliment someone that you feel you have to beat.

Don't make it an arbitrary compliment either. What we often miss is that those we feel most competitive with are those that we admire. Before you speak with them, think about why you feel the need to compete with them.

Is it because they have incredible determination, their organization skills far outshine yours or that they can retain composure throughout the biggest of crises?

2. Identify what you feel your biggest weakness is and work on it

I say what /you/ feel your greatest weakness is because sometimes your weakness is not what others perceive it as being but it still causes you great insecurity.

This in the grays inn library stairs (which I tried to get
in...unfortunately you need membership, whoops!)

For example, you may feel that you need to improve your vocabulary, but others think you are very well read. Does that mean that you shouldn't improve your vocabulary?

Short answer; no.

If you honestly feel uncomfortable with your skill level, it can amplify your reactions to situations. Personally, during the time that I have had no looming deadlines I've worked on developing my arithmetic abilities.

You would assume after studying commercial law I'd feel confident in my abilities to calculate costs and percentages, yet I still perceive it as my biggest weakness. Websites like kahnacademy.org have been invaluable in helping me to consolidate my skills.

Kahn academy is a free site that provides video tutorials and games for any individual wishing to increase their skills in a broad array of subjects such as Math, Science, Grammar or History. If you're hoping to increase your knowledge or consolidate skills in an academic area, this is an invaluable tool for you to have at your side.

3. Find somewhere to enjoy yourself

Hipster cafes are the best places to relax

Whether you're like me in that awkward no-work transitional phase, or you're working full time finding your happy place is the most important technique you could employ. Overseas I've been enjoying exploring the city and finding unique cafes to study in.

So far I've discovered that the usual chain restaurants such as EAT. Pret a Manger or Starbucks aren't always the best places to study The well-known name and standard menu can be comforting when far from home – but the amount of people trawling in and out of the store is just distracting.

Instead, look for cafes that are one-off, independent shops. The stores I enjoy play music at a low volume and have decent non-fluorescent lighting.

Those who have read my earlier blog posts will know that I have a strange love of hipster cafes – and I make no apologies – I still do. In larger cities such as London and Singapore, they are harder to find. But an hour or so searching Google can lead you to some great finds.

maybe skip the park on days like this...

If coffee shops aren't your thing you can, also try a park. Parks are fantastic opportunities for getting some vitamin D and doing a little bit of light reading. Currently, I'm reading Is it just me? By comedian Miranda Hart. It's a refreshingly honest novel full of hilarious stories and written in a unique conversational form between the author and the reader. Miranda occasionally will converse with her eighteen-year-old self as she explains not only what her life is like now but how she has slowly come to accept herself as she is.

If you're not one for peace and quiet, I can wholeheartedly recommend checking out a few local volunteer spots. If you volunteer at a festival, pet shelter or kitchen can contribute to lifting your spirits and help you to realign your goals with something more community orientated. - Lawyers may be interested in volunteering with their legal skills at a legal service. Pro bono work can be extremely rewarding and for young lawyers, it can also provide an opportunity to extend your knowledge base and add to your resume.

Although these ideas don't override a competitive nature, entirely they still help to keep things in balance. An overly competitive person can be damaging to their studies and those around them. While a little competition can increase productivity and satisfaction too much will leave you feeling run down and exhausted.

Always remember to find some time to relax when you feel like you've taken on more than you can handle.

Lulu Hensman